Woody Allen quotes page 1

born December 1, 1935, American playwright, director and actor

In Beverly Hills they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an
electric typewriter?
Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this
watch.
Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through
not dying.
Woody Allen

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know, I'm starting to get the urge to conquer
Poland.
Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a
Swiss Bank.
Woody Allen

I contemplated suicide again. This time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of
another boy.
Woody Allen

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a
Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of
Liberty.
Woody Allen

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Woody Allen

There are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the
bad seem to enjoy the waking hours more.
Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our
own hearts and minds.
Woody Allen

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Woody Allen

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Woody Allen

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought,
particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Woody Allen

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