Phyllis Diller quotes

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: Set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,
cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as
usual.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same
outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been
robbed.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There's a dead bird." He looked up.
Phyllis Diller

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man
threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up
for three months.
Phyllis Diller

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
Phyllis Diller

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anaesthetic.
Phyllis Diller

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind on my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anyone I
know.
Phyllis Diller

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Phyllis Diller

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.
Phyllis Diller

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm
not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
Phyllis Diller