Jackie Mason quotes
born June 9, 1931, American actor and stand-up
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while
I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's
eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist
said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think
they were talking about me.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country
you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need
sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the
Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever
he's praying for, he's already got!
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded
while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, "Give me a gun, I'll wipe
out the whole German Army in five minutes." He said, "You're crazy!" I said, "Write it down!"
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best
cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.