Funny quotes

Graham Sutherland's portrait of me makes me look as if I was having a difficult stool.
Sir Winston Churchill

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to
me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charles Schulz

I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt.
Britney Spears

See that critic? He used to hate every movie. Then he married a young, big-bosomed woman,
and now he loves every movie.
Woody Allen

Imagination is intelligence with an erection.
Victor Hugo

Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The Office, 2005

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's
twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Chris Rock

His mouth had the coldly forbidding look of the closed door of a subway express when you
have just missed the train.
P. G. Wodehouse

I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
Joan Rivers

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to
be tethered outside here.
W. C. Fields

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is
when you want a raise.
Robert Orben

If you're given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older,
the money will become your sex appeal.
Katharine Hepburn

I like a thin book because it will steady a table; a leather volume because it will strop a razor;
and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat.
Mark Twain

I went out on a first date, but I don't think I'll be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn't
open the car door. I just swam to the surface.
Emo Philips

Bush says he's being stalked. He says wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally
someone told him, "Psst. That's the Secret Service."
Jay Leno

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Homer Simpson

Victoria Beckham speaks two languages - English and Gucci.
Nicola Zweig

It's so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Bob Hope

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher
and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

If you remember the 1960s, you weren't there.
George Harrison

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is share the love. Beep." "Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your
test is back. Stop sharing the love."
Andy Rooney

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.
Otto von Bismarck

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you
two!"
Emo Philips

- I'm afraid that after we've been married a while a beautiful girl will come along and you'll
forget all about me.
- Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.
Groucho Marx

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