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Bob Hope quotes page 11903-2003, American comedian and actor
It's so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
I don't feel 80. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap. When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours. People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees. When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and
rubbed his name off Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section. The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King. Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to
lie, cheat, and steal. When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage he shot both his Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. I thought about it. But my wife said she wouldn't want to move into a smaller house. Oscar night at my house is known as Passover. I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned how to dance - waiting for the bathroom. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. Phyllis Diller has a laugh like an old Chevrolet starting up on a
below-freezing morning. The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, Where would I like my ashes scattered? I don't know. Surprise me. I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support. Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned
it into a series. Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, this will be the first inaugural address with an Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to It's hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you're putting. Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands. I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his
country I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano. Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at. Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. |
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