Ambrose Bierce quotes

Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days
and was arrested on the seventh.
Ambrose Bierce

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.
Ambrose Bierce

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
Ambrose Bierce

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
Ambrose Bierce

Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by
hamstringing it.
Ambrose Bierce

Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably
suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long
as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
Ambrose Bierce

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Ambrose Bierce

Alone, adj. In bad company.
Ambrose Bierce

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to
reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.
Ambrose Bierce

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner
confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce

Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
Ambrose Bierce

Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of
truth and common sense.
Ambrose Bierce

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
Ambrose Bierce

Politeness , n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Ambrose Bierce

Hers, pron. His.
Ambrose Bierce

Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A
beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
Ambrose Bierce

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and
profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Ambrose Bierce

Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
Ambrose Bierce

Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater
advantage.
Ambrose Bierce

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Ambrose Bierce

Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern
Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of
America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior,
have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental
work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no
other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names.
Ambrose Bierce

Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
Ambrose Bierce

Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public
affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce

Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and
two slaves, making in all, two.
Ambrose Bierce

Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think we think.
Ambrose Bierce

Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us."
The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
Ambrose Bierce

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Ambrose Bierce

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